|SimBatman: Making a run for the border
||[Sep. 7th, 2008|08:18 pm]
Every once in a while the game surprises me. This time it just about knocked me off my feet.
The Man of Tomorrow makes sandwiches. Alone.
The welcome wagon arrives -- remember Goddamn Batman's little friend Cliff Dover? These are his parents, Ben and Carrie. Guy on the right is Mega Droid (his wife's named Ann), a C3P0 skin under normal hair and clothing; I really like the effect.
Is Wonder Woman (a) enthusiastically agreeing with Carrie Dover (b) emphasizing a particular point (c) preparing to swallow Carrie's head whole?
Superman eats. Alone. It’s not easy to be me....
Yes, Cassie, I know you were researching the technology of the New Gods, but you still shouldn't Google "Mother Box." (Joke entirely stolen.)
Droid (in Anthony Daniels voice): Wonder Woman, I've heard that some criminals are planning a massive criminal enterprise in this city. Will you be able to protect us?
Wonder Woman: You're stupid, and I hate your hair. Shut up.
Wonder Girl: "I am interested in a career in politics! I would like to infiltrate and destroy the male hegemony from within!"
Robin: "The golden android is an idiot."
Wonder Woman: "You need to remember, Cassie, the patriarchy is...is like a sumo wrestler...."
Robin: Most scholars believe sumo to have evolved from Shinto rituals into the common perception of it as a sport and as a martial art.
Wonder Woman: Tim, what have I told you about Wikipedia? It doesn't count unless it's in print. Or on the Drudge Report.
Robin: I would like to play an organized sport. Say, perhaps, tennis.
Droid: ...I'm done with my sandwich, can I leave now?
Wonder Woman: ...I think we can afford a maid. Or a butler, even. That'd be nice. Maybe even, Hera help me, a dishwasher....
Wonder Girl: Okay, I totally wasn't going to say anything but WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE TWO DOING IN THE DEN?
Wonder Woman: Just try not to stare. They're...they're not like us.
Droid: How ya doin'?
Superman: S'okay, man.
Droid: What'cha watching?
Superman: Cute Overload Network.
Droid: What's on?
Superman: This is Tiki the Pissed-Off Siamese Cat.
Superman: He's pissed off.
Droid: I see. *pause* You know what would make you feel better?
Superman: OH HOLY CRAP THIS IS FANTASTIC I LOVE WATER
Carrie: ...And they never let me ride on the school bus again.
Carrie: That's what the coroner said.
Somewhere, Arthur Curry is laughing his ass off.
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom....
"No, no, L-E-X, L-E-X Luthor. Yes. I understand my franchise obligations, yes."
Luthor: Attention, my minions: I have purchased Taco Bell, and I am going to recruit some personnel and stock it to further our plan for economic dominance.
Fett: *schnarf schnarf schnarf*
Luthor: You may not come with me.
Maul: It's okay, man, I'm full.
Luthor: Urge to kill...rising....
Luthor: Here it is. My empire begins anew here, in this paved and prefab piece of purgatory.
Luthor: I...aha. Hm. It has been a while since I've actually been in a Taco Bell. It's a bit more upscale than I'd imagined. Still, this is too much.
Luthor: And in this corner, we shall place....
Luthor: Forty cakes. And that's terrible. I shall hire some pathetic sniveling low-rent employees and await my first custo....
*front door opens*
Luthor: Good evening, sir, and welcome to Luthor's Taco Bell and Cake Emporium, how may...I...assist....
Luthor: ...the Goddamn Batman?
Yes, the first Sim to walk off the street and into the Taco/Cake Bell is none other than the Goddamn Batman. I swear I could not have planned that any better.
Luthor: Yes, employees! Assemble! March to my orders! The Dark Knight shops this eve! We have no time to waste!
Luthor (thinking): I'm going to sell you a cake harder than anyone has ever sold you a cake before.
Luthor: This is delicious cake, you must eat it.
Goddamn Batman: ...Yeah, okay.
Luthor pats Goddamn Batman reassuringly on the shoulder. Also, can I note how the uber-scowling face Luthor has may look ridiculous sometimes, it really works here? He's practically grimacing with effort.
Goddamn Batman: I bought a cake! And I can eat it!
Cashier: *drools on self*
Goddamn Batman: Have you never worked a cash register before? I understand it's a complicated piece of equipment, but....
Goddamn Batman: Can..can we pick up the pace a bit? I'm going to be late for my nocturnal brooding.
Goddamn Batman: I give you moneys.
I'm really not too sure what happened here. The woman being waited on with a Wonder Woman tiara was minding her own business when the waitress walked over to her and started talking, and here she's miming holding a machine gun and making a budda-budda-budda noise. I can't really overemphasize how weird this was.
And Jamie Mythbuster comes wandering into Evil Taco Cake Bell.
Luthor: It's one-thirty in the morning. That's when the macaws come out.
Luthor: I'm sure a man of your reputation and analytical background can appreciate the appeal of cake.
Jamie: It is tasty, of that, I am certain.
Jamie: Okay, I'll buy a cake. Will that make you happy?
Luthor: Will it!
Yes, it's almost three in the morning and Lex Luthor is skipping rope in the parking lot of a Taco Bell half-filled with cake.
Zatanna Zatara. Heroine. Magicienne. Bird-watcher.
And also the worst possible pun with these characters that I could come up with.